i am in hot springs, arkansas. arkansas is the natural state, i guess. so yesterday, here in arkansas, i nearly died about seven times. after a lovely late morning of hanging out in front of one of the largest houses on the lake and raiding its fully stocked bar things started turning sour. first i was shot at by the hans of arkansas' hans and franz duo with a paintball gun. then, at the "sand bar", which is basically mtv spring break but add about 20 years, what looked like to be a bloody placenta, floated by me, threatening to infect me with some horrible disease. then a 160 pound man almost fell on me from the treetops. then the boat broke and i was trapped on the lake, miles from home, with 8 drunk, rowdy men and no food or water; only coors light. then the 160 pound man clocked me in the head when franz pushed him into the lake. then when we finally were rescued after being on the boat for NINE hours, the heavily inebriated 160 pound man drove 7 of us home in a speeding suburban with fifty cent blasting on the radio. then, finally, at dinner, a power outage accompanied by an explosion of light that could compete with what god might look like nearly made me choke on my juicy sirloin steak. i thought jesus was coming to get me. but it was not my time, as it turned out. today was beautiful and much more laid back and free of the hot springs "sand bar" which is a blessing in itself. i have one more day in beautiful arkansas. it really IS beautiful out here. i'm glad i didn't die yesterday.
either christopher walken accepts every single movie role offered to him or he is given millions of dollars to be in really bad movies, like gigli, so that shmucks like myself will pay the seven dollars just to see him. i actually got in a car, drove to the movie theater and paid to see one of the worst movies ever, joe dirt, solely because christopher walken was in it. i loved every second of it... when walken was on screen that is. now he is in a new, horrifying looking movie with the rock!?!? i think i just might have to do it again.
it seems that right about now is the age where we start experiencing the loss of parents to death or illness. even though they still seem so young and full of life, it's an unavoidable reality. my prayers and thoughts go out to jane and her family and also to erin, her dad and her family. may god bring full healing to your hurting bodies, burdened minds and grieving souls.
attention hot austinites: this wednesday night, hot russ's band, go nova, will be playing at red eyed fly at 9pm. those of you that know nathan, well he is in the band also. but did i mention hot russ? he's hot. his sister, rosie, is hot too. she plays bass. and joel, the drummer, is also hot. also, i guess nathan is hot, for being married and all.
it will be a hot, rockin' show. go nova is so hot, they need to be cooled off. come check em out.
ulf: Eeh, giddiness. Boy terrorcore ahead!!! ulf: I just printed my favorite songs' lyrics. So pessimistic! me: what ulf: Shai Halud. ulf: The band I'm about to go see. ulf: "This world is a burden, and it disgusts me. I want to deny it, its inhabitants and their possessions. I'm embarrassed to know this soil produced me. I'm dying to be elsewhere, Trying not to belong in a nature of impulse and self indulgence. A brother to none, my kinship lies elsewhere. I am separate and loyal to no one, if born from this soil." ulf: Hee hee hee. ulf: *jumping up and down* me: geez me: i like how you followed that up with "Hee hee hee"
sweet johnnie has brought to my attention that i am not the only ch.am.p. with an internet homepage on the world wide web. that's right. there is another. i present to you the chinese ambassador of peking. in case the ambassador has taken down his site, here is a screenshot for your viewing displeasure. now do not be fooled ladies and gentlemen. the chinese chop seal that is linked from an external server is a dead giveaway this ambassador is a fake. i mean, it doesn't even say ambassador or peking. or chinese! now, my seal was hand carved by a chinese man in the streets of new york city. it actually is my name. really. come on over and i'll show it to you. and the image lives on my server! look here's the link to it. rest assured i am the genuine ch.am.p.
now they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. i wouldn't say i'm flattered. i'm slightly amused by the name he gave himself to match my quasi-acronym, but mostly i'm offended, aesthetically. every good ambassador should know if you are going to rip off someone's design, at least do it well.
the internet is a wealth of knowledge. for years i was led to believe that i was some freak of nature with my dry, crumbly ear wax. i remember the first time ever spotting soiled q-tips in my friend's wastebasket and wondering what that honey colored mess that came out of her ears were. i had never stuck a q-tip in my ear and had anything remotely similar come out of my ear. i just assumed she had an ear infection. over the years i began to see a pattern with those soiled q-tips from friend to friend and began to think there was something wrong with me. i would secretly bemoan why my ear wax wasn't colorful like my friend's and simultaneously be thankful cause those q-tips looked disgusting. for years i wondered why the q-tip box warned against inserting the q-tip into the ear canal. the q-tip is completely useless when it concerned my ears, why would i stick it in there to remove ear wax? as it turns out, i didn't have very many asian friends growing up. had i, i would never have doubted the texture of my own wax. now i know. i found out today that there are two types of ear wax. asians and native americans have a dry, colorless, crumbly wax, while anglos, african american and hispanics have a honey-colored, wet ear wax. ear wax is secreted from apocrine glands in your ears. asians and native americans have less apocrine glands than whites and blacks (and 50% of koreans have no apocrine glands at all!) so then i did some research. apocrine glands also produce body odor. now it's all starting to make sense to me. i remember how when i was in high school, after spending hours in the locker room with my deodorant wearing friends, my mom wouldn't ever buy deodorant for me. "why do you need this?" she'd ask. "only white people need to wear deodorant. white people stink!" i just thought she was being racist. over the years i realized she might have been right. the apocrine gland is to blame! this page even explains how body odor is considered a medical condition by some asians. deodorant really doesn't do anything for me. i'm not saying i don't ever stink. but putting it on doesn't make me smell any better. i think it makes me smell worse. i think i've purchased one or two sticks of deo over my lifetime, now i don't even own any. shannon can never believe me that i don't wear deodorant when she is looking for some in my bathroom, but it's true. i find it odd that i learned about this so late in the game. time to get more asian friends.
this just in: thousands wander the streets because of a giant flash mob organized by some internet savvy people, leaving the rest of the country in bewilderment. the power outage was just a coincidence.
dear cbs, those of us in texas that CAN watch your broadcast don't need to be told to unplug our appliances, or when they expect the power to be back on, and that the water is safe and they should drink it, and everyone should remain calm, because we have electricity. and the people that DO need the updates on the power outtage in the northeast cannot see your broadcast because they don't have electricty and can't watch tv. try the radio, or a megaphone. also, yes, new yorkers are hot and crazy and they all ran outside and are mindlessly wandering the streets. we get it. park the helicopter and put jeopardy back on.
i realize it's not entirely healthy how i continually post the same picture of my dog, chachi, over and over again, but here goes. according to the american kennel club, the expression of the chihuahua should be "saucy". if this doesn't say saucy, i don't know what does.
one of the nice things about living in texas with the searing hot summers is getting sunburned, or rather, after getting sunburned. there's something satisfying about peeling sunburnt skin off of your shoulders, especially if you peel off one large continuous piece. in fact, i like peeling loose paint off of walls and furniture too. my favorite thing to do in the gym locker room in high school was to peel the loose paint off of the wall revealing an old mural underneath. it's a luxury that gratifies the psyche. remember the barbie peel off nail polish as a kid? it was always a challenge to peel it off in one perfect piece, and when you did it you felt like you won. the good vibes i get from peeling is not unlike the vibes i get from the sound of dirt clicking as it is sucked up the vacuum. if i ever design vacuum cleaners i would mimic that clicking sound digitally in the machine.
so it's true. there really are forces in town arranging flash mobs here in austin. today's involved umbrellas. Jesus, come take me now. i don't think i can handle this. it was kind of a fun, quirky thing to read about when it FIRST happened two worlds away in trucker-hat-wearing nyc, but to have it here in trucker-hat-wearing austin? nooooo. we already inherited the trucker hats, not flash mobbing too! i beg of you good citizens of austin, texas, do not participate in these so-called inexplicable "flash" mobs that are completely explicable and just plain stupid. i mean, come on, they actually registered .info domains. how cool could it really be? and the saddest thing of all is this poor soul who is investigating the historical importance of the flash mob and looking for "historians". is he fing kidding me? i'm going to curl up into a fetal position now and suck my thumb.
so, i almost died last night. this transformer blew up right next to my head while i was outside with chachi. we blame it on the rock coming out of nathan's house from a little band called go nova who will one day be famous. as we waited for the electric company to turn our cold air back on, we sat by candlelight and drank the slowly warming beer sitting in our fridges and played with flashlights and elvis cards. it was hideously hot, only to be challenged by russ' hideously drunk impression of jody foster in nell. taaaay in da waaaaaaaaaaaain... missah chik a paaaaaay... that's when i really almost died.
last night during queer eye for the straight guy and after a stimulating dinner of roast chicken and a power outage, erin decided that tuesday is the new thursday. i wholeheartedly agree. so as to take some pressure off of the weekend, i decree the new order of the weekdays as the following: monday thursday wednesday tuesday friday sunday saturday.
